Lesson 3: Deployment Emotional Roller Coaster

There are four emotional phases to deployment; with each phase carrying its own emotional roller coaster ride stages - and what a ride it is!

* Phase 1: Pre-deployment

• Stage 1: Expectation Of Departure
• Stage 2: Distancing & Disengagement

* Phase 2: Deployment & R&R

• Stage 3: Emotional Chaos
• Stage 4: Adjustment Period

* Phase 3: Recovery

• Stage 5: Homecoming Excitement

* Phase 4: Post Deployment

• Stage 6: Adapting & Renegotiating Relationship
• Stage 7:Re-adjusting Of Relationship (Adjust & Unify)

Knowing the different phases & stages will not get you off the emotional roller coaster but it can help you to understand the ups and downs of the ride.

Pre-deployment

• Stage 1: Expectation Of Deployment:

Approximately five to six weeks before deployment (if your partner is given that much notice), you both begin to prepare for separation. Your partner prepares to deploy whilst you prepare to be on your own.

You may feel any one of these emotions, restlessness, sadness, irritability, anger and resentment.

It is common to jump from one emotion to another in the blink of an eye. Don't feel guilty, simply acknowledge the emotions, it genuinely is a normal pre-deployment reaction.

This is the time to make a plan, find out how you can stay in touch with your partner, ask about care packages, think about what you will do to keep yourself busy (great distraction) and so on.

•  Stage 2: Distancing & Disengagement

Days to one week before deployment you begin to loose hope - he is definitely leaving. It becomes difficult to make decisions and there is a high chance of arguments between the two of you. The arguments stem from the process of withdrawing emotionally from each other. It is the hearts way of creating physical distance in order to protect itself from pain (the arguments create a wall around your heart).

This stage is not pretty but it is common, accept it for what it is and move on (and yes, it is so much easier said than done).

Deployment And R&R

• Stage 3: Emotional Chaos

This is a tough cookie time. The first six to seven weeks can send you into complete emotional chaos. Your emotions can run from relief (the wait is finally over as well as no more arguing) to guilt for feeling relief. Often you feel at a loss and overwhelmed (this is specially the case for just married couples and living together couples). Other common emotions are confusion, restlessness, anger, irritability and indecisiveness.

Many girlfriends/wives feel depressed and withdraw from family and friends (if you find yourself withdrawing from those around you, please talk to someone, there is no substitute for strong, loving support from those who care about you).

From personal experience, the quickest way to move past this stage is to build routines for yourself.

• Stage 4: Adjustment Period

There is no timescale on the adjustment period though hopefully it will have happened somewhere between the emotional chaos stage and the homecoming excitement stage.

You have settled into new routines and adjusted, of course you still miss your soldier but you are now coping alone. Miss Independence eat your heart out!

• Stage 3 & 4: R&R

R&R (rest & recuperation) is a short break from deployment, usually two weeks in the middle of the deployment.

The R&R time can bring about its own emotional chaos and re-adjustment period. Feelings of excitement (he's coming home) to renewal of loss (he leaves for the duration of the deployment). Re-adjustment tends to be quicker. 

Recovery

• Stage 5: Homecoming Excitement

Approximately five to six weeks before the end of deployment, the homecoming excitement bugs will take a bite into you. 

Alongside the feelings of joy, there may be some uncertainty and anxiety (has he changed, does he still care, etc). Other typical emotions are restlessness, confusion and even changes in apetite.

Keep in mind you have been in a long distance relationship, as excited as you are to have him home, it is normal to feel some degree of uncertainty.

Post Deployment

• Stage 6: Adapting & Renegotiating Relationship

Depending on the couple, this stage can take up to six weeks. Basically, you are adapting to being part of a couple again, getting to know each other and negotiating changes.

We all go through this, yes even the wives. Wives (I am including couples who live together in this too) have even more negotiating to do. We have learnt to do rely on ourselves to get all things done, we now have to begin the process of sharing the responsibilities form parental to home decisions. The good news is that after several deployments you move through all the stages at a faster pace.

Communication between the two of you is the key to this stage. Talk and listen, you have both changed the way you do things and neither of you are mind readers.

• Stage 7: Re-adjustment Of Relationship (Adjust & Unify)

Approximately six to twelve weeks post deployment, your relationship should be back on track, with both of you feeling relaxed and comfortable around each other.

For wives and those living together, responsibilities are re-shared and new routines involving both of you are in place.

Congratulations, you have just made it through the emotional roller coaster ride!

Summary:

1. You are neither the first nor the last woman to face the complicated deployment emotional roller coaster ride
2. Be prepared to be hit by a massive dose of emotions from one extreme to another.
3. Yes, it is hard, but if it doesn't break you, you can get through to the other side with a stronger, more loving relationship.

Until next time

Caz xoxo    

Lesson 2: Deployment Survival Kit

Wow has it been a while... Marriage, two kids and 3 moves will do that to you..
If i'm honest, I thought I had shut this blog down, I felt a bit of a fraud continuing to write as a girlfriend when I have become a wife (yes, I married my soldier).
A couple weeks ago, hubby told me he would be deploying in December, I figured I would need an outlet and well, blogging came to mind - as fate would have it, I opened up Blogger and came straight to this page 'Lesson 2: Deployment Survival Kit' - it made sense to continue were I have left off after all, wife and girlfriend will experience the same raw emotions. You and I will both laugh, cry, wait by the phone and eat a ton of chocolate whilst necking a bottle of wine (rum in my case).
And so, if you let me, I'll share this journey with you.

First thing first, deployment does not start on the day he says goodbye and jumps on a plane. Yes, you heard right, there are a number of goodbyes and hellos and more goodbyes before he steps foot on that plane! It's as if the army want to prepare us by gradually removing contact. I have spent a total of four days with hubby since being told of his deployment and he is currently away for two weeks on pre-deployment courses - Grrr...
I am hoping he will have a few days leave before deploying but who knows? So ladies, be prepared, do not assume your soldier will be with you up until deployment, it may just not happen.
My advice for what it is worth is to equate training with safety. Every time you get angry or upset that he is going for six months and not spending time with you repeat the mantra: "A well trained soldier is a safe soldier", " A well trained soldier is a safe soldier".

Now you have the pre-deployment basics and moving on to what you can expect...
Different set of expectation for those who live together and those who do not.
If you do not live together: Your soldier tells you he is deploying, your world crumbles and you ask yourself how can I possibly not see him for 6 months??? Keep reading, you may as well get prepared for what's to come when you move in.
If you do live together: Your soldier tells you he is deploying, you think: "Oh crap! Six bloody months?". A few days to a few weeks (depends on how much time prior to deployment) later he comes home with a lot of kit (given by army known as military issued kit). As soon as he starts unwrapping every item (and trust me, there is a lot of kit) WALK AWAY! You do not need to know which pouch he carries grenades in or where the hand combat knife goes, or the riffle, or the ammunition, and so on and so on... I repeat, WALK AWAY! There is no taking it back once you know; chances are he will not use half of it (so he says) but the mind is a powerful tool... And it somehow doubles in power once he has left..

Living together or not, a common mistake we make as women is too cling, we want to hold on tight and keep our men safe - this is a huge mistake which leads to many a relationship breakdown, why? Our natural reaction is to hold on, theres is to prepare for leaving - doesn't always happen but often they will begin to loose their temper a lot quicker than usual, they will be a certain sharpness in their tone - the more you hold on, the more he will push you away - hard as it is, do not take this personally, in his own way, he is preparing himself because he will miss you, odd psychology but it is what it is.

To combat this - excuse the pun - you need to prep your survival kit. My survival kit is a list of all the girlie things I like to do that, he will do with me cause he lurrrrves me, but absolutely hates doing.
In other words, start planning how you will keep yourself busy - if nothing else, it will hopefully stop you from clinging!

Summary Lesson 2: Deployment Survival Kit:

1.  Pre-deployment training - Repeat with me: " A well trained soldier is a safe soldier!"
2.  Stay away from the issued kit - What you know can not be unknown.
3.  Fight the urge to protect him by clinging - it really isn't worth the fight that will take place
4.  Deployment survival kit - start making a list of things you can do, don't wait until he goes -  your head won't be in the right frame of mind (easier to follow an already written list than to try  to think of something to do)

Until next time

Caz xoxo     

Lesson 1: Dating a soldier

What is it about a man in uniform that we women find so darn sexy?
Personally? I love it when my man turns up at my doorstep wearing his combats - jumping him is usually not far from my mind!
But girls, trust me when I tell you that the uniform is the worst possible reason to date a soldier - you should be wanting to date the man and not the uniform!!
I can hear some of you thinking - What the heck? I would never do something like that... And you are absolutely right, you wouldn't, but there are plenty of women who would and do.

Values. British military values include: Selfless commitment, courage, loyalty and respect for others.
Let’s face it, these values make for the perfect boyfriend material, but the truth is not all soldiers will extend the military values to their life outside of the army. If your soldier eats, breathes and lives by the army values, you can be pretty sure that you have found a man worth holding onto – he’s a definite keeper!
I’ve been lucky, my partner follows these values in and out of the army, but I have met women who were deceived into believing they were involved with their very own prince charming, so be weary, many will talk the talk and not walk the walk.

About you. You will be on your own a lot. If you are the type of woman who needs 24/7 attention, get out while you can. There are times he will be away on exercise or deployments. It’s no good asking or expecting him to call, he just might not be able to. Don’t blame him, blame the army! When he does call, make the conversation worthwhile, you really don’t know when there will be a next one.

Trust. If you are the jealous type avoid army men like the plague. If there is one thing constantly available within a military relationship it is the opportunity to create scenarios of mistrust. I repeat, he will be away a lot! If you can keep yourself level headed on the trust department, you just might make it work. Keep in mind that most soldiers will also have ample time and opportunity to wonder just what you are doing at home...

Is it worth it? I can only answer this question by asking you if you think love is worth it.

In my case, I have fallen in love with the man and not the career. I am 100% and more committed to my partner. It can be rough when he is away, really rough, but he is worth waiting for. I came into my relationship blindly, but even knowing what I do now, I have no regrets because I am one of those lucky women, who has found a one in a million man.

Summary Lesson 1: Dating a soldier

1.       Make sure you genuinely like the man – it won’t be an easy relationship, if you don’t like him enough, it won’t be worth it. To make it work during the rough times (and there will be rough times!) the emotions have to be real!

2.       When a soldier takes the military values to heart, you can be sure that he is a one in a million man – hold on for the duration.

3.       Military relationships require strength and a great deal of independence from the person staying at home.

4.       Chuck the relationship out of the window early on if he gives you reason to mistrust him or if you are a jealous person by nature. Let’s just say the army is the other woman!